As a kid, I made a “suicide” drink at McDonald’s.  Coke, Sprite, Dr. Pepper, Root Beer, orange, etc.  I thought it would be cool, edgy, something I could market as a new drink and make me a millionaire at age 12.  But all I got was a disgusting mess that gave me a headache.

EA’s freemium Heroes of Dragon Age (iOS, Android) lacks identity.  It’s supposed to play like a card game, but it doesn’t.  It looks like a squad tactics game, but it isn’t.  It needed to pick one and go all out.

A “pack” is bought, which yields one character, which is arranged into a squad of five.  After some seasoning and dressing, you put them in a Quest or PVP and watch them battle automatically.  This passive play is the biggest drawback.  You’re more of a general manager than a play-caller.

A real card game, such as the highly replayable Order and Chaos Duels, requires the player to use in-match tactics to attack and counter the opponent’s move every turn.  In a squad tactics game like Battle Nations, how and when you attack are just as important as positioning or the troops brought to battle.  In Heroes of Dragon Age, you pick your battles and hope what you’ve done pre-match is good enough.

The characters’ position in battle matters.  Those in front gets hit more, those in back gets a higher chance of double-damage hits.  Each character’s class also matters.  There are five in all: Common, Uncommon, Rare, Epic and Legendary.  Since it is not extremely difficult to get a Rare or Epic, the only purpose of the Common and Uncommon card is to be consumed by the stronger cards to make them stronger.  There are no pawns in battle, only Queens and Knights.

It is also possible to combine two of the same character to create a new character.  This was especially exciting.  I had two Corrupted Spider 1’s.  I combined them and got…wait for it…Corrupted Spider 2!  Then I got a Rare character and to the consuming fire spidey went.

Each character is also color-coded to reflect its faction.  If all your guys have the same color, there’s a bonus.  And different colors are weak or strong against each other, but I didn’t pay attention to that.  I went with the strongest characters regardless of color.

There are also runes to help you win battles like those that help your crew less susceptible to stun attacks.

In the single player game, there are several quests with a timeline of key moments in the history of the Dragon Age universe.  This is the most interesting aspect of the game, but it makes me want to read the novels, not play this game more.

The game’s not all bad, but a freemium needs to be replayable, and this isn’t.  If you want to play a card game, try Order and Chaos Duels.  If you prefer a squad tactics game, then Battle Nations.

Without losing its breath, the 90-second trailer gives us the plot (“On the darkest nights they come, the sky warriors of Fenris”), the characters (Wolf Scout, Grey Hunter, Wolf Guard), and the gadgets (Bolter, Flamer, Thunder Hammer, Jump Pack, Sniper Rifle, Chainsword).  I don’t know how the Jump Pack can be useful – the trailer shows the guy using it to jump like 3 squares.  Perhaps to whack the enemy with the Thunder Hammer? Forget jumping, give me the flamer.

There’s also the Hunter who fires the Sniper Rifle from 2 squares away, which isn’t even fatal.  Perhaps the reason these knick-knacks don’t make practical sense is because this is a card game, not a war game.  Do stuff, get cards, and do more stuff.  (If I have to pay for the cards, I’d be bummed if I got a Jump Pack.)

old school warhammer

The video game, like the table-top, is turn-based and tactical, but doesn’t have the cool factor of painting and moving those awesome figurines.  If a Warhammer video game could capture that somehow, it would make my life complete.  The game, out in Q2 2014, will be available for iOS, Android, and PC.